Four months: changes

Lot's of things change when you're pregnant. As a guy you notice some of them, more notably the morning sickness and visible fatigue that your wife feels. You notice a few of your own so-called sympathy effects. But a lot of it I don't think guys can really comprehend, at least on an emotional level.

For Jen I think she has the sense of being thrust into pregnancy, meaning that for her it is happening whether she likes it or not. For me it's been predominantly an intellectual exercise. I know that it's happening, and I know things are changing, but honestly I will go for several hours without thinking much about it. I don't mean this to say that I'm disinterested, which is certainly not the case, but rather that I have a certain amount of detachment that my wife doesn't have the option of enjoying. Sometimes it makes it hard to connect.

Jen hiking in the Mountains a few weeks ago

But I'm finding that this happens less and less as the weeks go by, that things become more real on an emotional level. I had the surprising experience of feeling my first kick earlier this week. Jen has been telling me about them for almost a month, but they've just now become strong enough as to be felt from the outside of her belly. The sensation is one that sticks with you, one that you replay in your head, like many poignant memories. It's the first real sense of attachment I've felt to the growing baby.

When you really start thinking about it it's frightening that you're going to become a father. You tell yourself on one hand that yes it's going to be difficult and a lot is going to be different, but it will work out. On the other hand you know that that's a silly understatement. You feel a tremendous sense of responsibility out on the horizon and it's hard to look at. I think the difference is that Jen gradually faces this a little more every day as her body changes and she feels more and more signs of what is happening inside, whereas I only have brief glimpses into this future.

I'm really amazed at how well Jen is handling everything. I try to help her out as much as I can. I'm finding that we're taking more impromptu ice cream runs lately, and that several trips downstairs for ice water and such are now commonplace. And I try to be there. I know that Jen appreciates all of this, and I know that we've many more exciting weeks ahead of us.

Jen (4 months!) and me